


I'm So Sorry

by deon_bakemono



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Gen, Insecurity, Light Angst, Self-Harm, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 19:02:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8339125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deon_bakemono/pseuds/deon_bakemono
Summary: Phil's an insecure mess to the point where he starts hitting himself but Dan's there for him. I guess. I'm already really bad at this. Don't judge by the summary, but I'm kinda new with this so it'll probably be pretty bad anyways... I'm sorry.





	

"Phil, PHIL STOP!". Dan stared as his best friend bashed his forehead against the table hard enough for a red mark to start appearing on it. Phil, at the realization of the fact that he was the cause of tonight's video being cancelled, had bitten his lip and let his head fall down heavily on the table before repeating the movement. He smiled apologetically. "'S okay, doesn't hurt!" He readjusted his fringe. "I'm so sorry Dan, I know how much you were looking forwards to thi-" "No, don't be sorry Phil, it's fine! It's not even your fault and if it was, it's not a reason for you to start smashing your brain against the table, Jesus Christ!". Dan's eyes were wide with shock and concern. Phil shrunk back in his seat. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so terrifyi-" "Stop being sorry for things! You're allowed to not be perfect sometimes, it's fine! You dont need to apologize for living, dammit, it's hard enough as it is!". There was a smile in Dan's hazel eyes, which meant his words weren't supposed to sound so deep. "I... okay. I'm so- urgh, I..." Phil bowed his head awkwardly. Dan shook his, half-grinning.

There was a loud crashing sound. Dan literally jumped, which could seem impossible when you're sprawled on a couch with a laptop on your knees. He put it aside and (almost) jogged towards the counter where Phil was standing, staring down, looking traumatized. The crash Dan had just heard came from one of his favorite mugs. "Phiiiil! Ugh, whadya do that for? You- you absolute... cretin...". He groaned over-dramatically, rolling his eyes. However, as soon as he bent down to pick shards of glass off the ground, from the corner of his eye he saw Phil slamming his forehead against the counter again, harder this time. He leaped up, caught Phil's wrist with one hand and pressed the other against the counter to cushion the face that was plunging down towards it. "Hey, hey, stop that!" Phil seemed to be trying to avoid Dan's eyes. "B-but I broke your mug! I'm so sorry Dan, I broke it, I'm so stupid, I'm sor-" "Phil, calm down, it's okay! I've got other mugs!". There was a small pause as Phil seemed to be trying to catch his breath. "It's okay! It doesn't matter," continued Dan, "it was an accident. Right?". "But I broke it!" Phil answered desperately, looking genuinely confused and angry. Dan just grimaced, concerned. "Jesus, Phil, you do realize how ridiculous that sounds right...? "I broke you mug"? Don't put yourself in this state for bullshit like this!". Dan was now holding both of the other man's wrists and talking as soothingly as possible. There was a few minutes of silence as Phil calmed down. "Philly, are you okay? You have to stop hitting yourself like that. It's not... good...". Phil nodded, ready to apologize again.

They left it at that until a week later when Dan heard banging against the wall again. He hurried into the lounge, quite sure Phil was hitting himself again. Walking in, he saw his best friend falling onto the couch heavily, his head in his hands. Worriedly, Dan half tiptoed to Phil. Before the older man could protest, his hair was brushed lightly off the right side of his forehead. The other side was still covered by Phil's hand. Dan groaned. "Urgh, fucking hell, Phil! You've got to stop that! Jesus, what's wrong...?". The black haired boy stared, looking slightly lost for a moment before he got up abruptly and sprinted off to his bedroom. Dan raced after him. He managed to push the door open before Phil had the time to close it. "Phi-" started Dan. His best friend was pressed against the far corner of his room, hands behind his back.  
Blood was trickling down his forehead.  
Dan felt his eyes widen. "Philly, what have..." He noticed a moment of hesitation in Phil's blue eyes. "It's... It's a- it was an accident, I swear, I just- it's a knife. But I didn't- I didn't... do anything with it! I accidentally hit my forehead with it, just cause I happened to have it in my hand, it was a mistake! I thought you might be angry at me, so I panicked! That's all! I'm sorry Dan! I didn't want to startle you, I didn't want you to think I did it on purpose, because I didn't! I mean it was definitely an accident! I just... I was uh... cutting a... an apple..." he recited. The younger man just stared, eyes fixed on the trickle of liquid red slowly making it's way down his friend's face.  
"Phil, roll your sleeves up."  
There was a moment of silence.  
"What?"  
"Roll your sleeves up."  
"I- Dan why w- what?"  
"ROLL THEM UP PHIL!"  
Another moment of silence. Then Phil shook his head. He looked terrified. Dan walked over to him. He was now confident Phil wouldn't move. He looked him dead in the eyes for a few seconds before folding back Phil's sleeves. Any air circulation in Dan's organism stopped when Phil's arms were exposed. There were bruises everywhere, all at different stages of healing, and his forearms were littered with scratches, not too deep but numerous.  
There was more silence. 

"Phil, what the fuck...?" Dan was petrified. His voice cracking, he added a weak "why?". Phil glared into his eyes.  
"I... I'm not... nice." he answered, completely serious.  
Dan almost laughed. He almost threw up too. His eyes flooded abruptly. "Ph- Phil, what in the fucking world do you mean?". Tears started streaking down his cheeks non-stop. Phil just stared.  
"I'm not nice, Dan. I'm such a loser! And I'm so, so weird, Dan, why am I even on YouTube, I'm useless, and I'm clumsy and I make the worst puns ever and they hate me! They hate me, I know it, because you're such an amazing person, they don't want me to be around you, they want you to have better, cause you deserve better! I'm too weird Dan, and they hate me for that, I know it! And I say it's okay but it isn't, weird people are freaky, I freak people out! It's too much! The... the knife was... It wasn't going to be anything bad Dan. I'm sorry."  
Panting and shaking, Dan tried to stop listening, heartbroken and terrified. He was sobbing so hard he could hardly move.  
"Phil! That's not- No! No! Don't think that! Oh God, Phil..." He fell to his knees at Phil's feet, his hand pressed against his mouth. 

"Dan, I'm sorry!". 

Phil's voice was croakier than ever.  
That did it. Dan gave one last sob before shakily standing and gripping Phil's trembling forearms.  
"No." He glared into Phil's beautiful pale blue irises as steadily as he could.  
"You're not a loser. And my subscribers, and more importantly yours, they definitely don't hate you. You are not useless Phil. You are clumsy as fuck and yeah, your puns are terrible," he smiled, "and guess what, those are two of the many reasons we love you so much. And you are weird. But Phil, when has that ever been a bad thing? You're the first person to encourage it, don't let the assholes on internet get to you like this. I know it's not what you would usually think." He ran his eyes up and down Phil's body slowly, then stared into his eyes again. "Personally, I love that you're weird. I love it so much."  
Phil stood silent for a while, staring straight into Dan's face.  
Then he looked into his eyes too and smiled slightly, his bottom lip quivering almost imperceptibly. He nodded. Dan wrapped his arms around his friend's shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Phil murmured three words softly from where his head was resting, in the crook of the younger man's neck.  
"Thank you, Bear."

**Author's Note:**

> Also his problem with being weird seems kinda unlikely, I know, in that Phil is a full-on "be weird" person. But I think like that too normally and I still have some moments where fitting in becomes a problem and the negative side of weirdness gets to me, so imagined the same situation with Phil. And I just like to write angsty shit...  
> (Oh and I didn't forget about the knife and his arms and whatnot, just wanted to end on a positive note...^^")


End file.
